My thoughts

I doubt anyone will read this, but here’s going…

My name is Charlotte.  I’m 23, living in NZ, studying and working, and living with my fiance R.

So I was sitting here tonight by myself (cos R is already in bed) and I started thinking about things.  You know how it is, its quiet, and a million thoughts start running through your head.  For me, I started thinking about how things are at the moment.  In general, things are crap.  Ok, so home is great, R is great and home life if pretty happy.  But work is dragging me down, and my first uni assignment for the single paper I’m doing this semester, is already 2 weeks overdue.  I haven’t even told R about this, he thinks that I’m on top of uni.  I can’t admit to him that I haven’t done it cos then he’ll know how bad things really are.

For that last comment to make sense, I guess I need to make a bit of a confession.  So here goes, I suffer from depression, and in all honesty, I probably don’t manage it the best.  I’m on medication, but I forget to take it and I still need to head to the pharmacy to get my repeat script (which I haven’t gotten around to yet because the pharmacy a 1min walk away from my house won’t do the repeat because I got the original prescription from the pharmacy near my mums house, a 45 min DRIVE away).  I’ve tried councilling, which worked for a little while, until I started finding reasons not to go.  I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which worked for a while, and I was getting better, and then I had a car accident which knocked me for six and then work started getting to much.

Now to anyone reading this, it probably seems like I’m making excuses and not taking responsibility for anything. I guess I am, but in alot of ways, its all part and parcel with this illness.  It’s easier for my sick and twisted brain to make excuses and give up than it is to fight.

I mean, I have tried to fight it.  Everyday seems like a battle.  I have to force myself to get out of bed to go to work, I have to force myself to get into my car to drive there, I have to force myself not to crash into the lamp post on the side of the road, I have to force myself to get out of my car and get into the building at work.  There have been days when I’ve walked half way across the car park and begged myself not to turn around.  There are others where I manage to get to my desk, and I just sit there staring at it blankly, forgetting what I was about to do, and then I remember and have to dash to the toilet so noone sees me crying.

I keep doing that one alot lately, crying all the time at work.  It is no wonder that my stats are so bad.  I’m clicking on ‘Not Ready to take calls’ so often that my boss must think I’m either lazy or have got serious bladder/bowel problems.  Juding by the review he gave me last month, I’d say he thinks I’m lazy.

So yeah, anyways, getting back to what I was thinking before I started this big rant.  I was thinking about how I don’t seem to be coping much anymore.  I think it probably isn’t helping that I’m bottling everything up and not talking to anyone.  In alot of ways I feel like I can’t talk to anyone.  R gets it all the time, and I don’t want him worrying about me.  He’s got enough on his plate without my crap.  I can’t talk to my mum cos she’ll worry and I don’t want to put that on her cos she isn’t well at the moment (although I wouldn’t have known about it if my sister wasn’t reading her text messages out loud, noone tells me anything).  I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to about it, everyone is either too busy for me or overseas.  So I feel a little bit lost and alone and in the middle of nowhere.  So I was thinking about this and decided I had to do something.  I thought, why not start a blog.  I can vent and not worry about seeming stupid cos its mostly anonymous.  I don’t have to worry about people getting pissed off at me for going on and on, cos if they do, they can always close the page and never come back.  And finally, I can always come back and look at what I wrote, and hopefully it might make me feel better.

So here’s my big ramble and rant.