My thoughts

So I can’t sleep.  Are we at all surprised?

I’m feeling a little bit not like myself.  I’ve been upset the last few days with hubby going away again.  I had this awful feeling something bad was going to happen to him while he was away.  I’ve cried myself to sleep the last two nights. I kept seeing images of his car all mangled in a car accident, having to tell everyone something had happened.

To add to all this,I’m feeling a little unloved.  Hubby came home and I’ve felt a little ignored all evening.  He played some stupid game all evening and barely spoke to me.  Didn’t turn the game off when I asked him to and then spent 10 mins outside talking to his dad (more time than he’d spent talking to me since he got home).  I just feel like I don’t matter I guess.  Apparently some stupid game is more important.

You know what, that isn’t good enough, especially with how I’ve been feeling.  I have been in tears stressing about something happening, and he comes home, barely acknowledges it, then spends all his fucking time on some stupid game.

So earlier this year my lovely hubby got a new job working for his dad.  He’s  now a sales rep and has to travel all over the upper half of the North Island (from about Taupo, all the way up to the top).  Once a month he has to stay overnight in Tauranga so he can visit customers there, Rotorua and Taupo.

I understand that he has to do that, and it makes sense – it takes about 3 hours to get to Taupo, so it would be dumb to go down for a day and come back that same evening.  However, just because I understand why, doesn’t mean I like it.

So where is this long winded explanation going.  Well, best course is into the mini-meltdown I just had, and the fact that it is past midnight and I am still wide awake (thus the blog).

I don’t really like him being away at the best of times or being on the road so much, but I’m feeling really iffy about him being away this week as it is the school holidays, which are notorious for a high death toll on the roads, and where he is driving is usually one of the worst hit regions (my theory kinda works like the bullruns in Spain, let a bunch of frustrated and penned up animals loose, and only chaos will ensue – ie: Give Aucklanders open road (when they are used to being stuck in “rush-hour”-esque traffic all the time) and it is sure to end in disaster).  So I’m feeling a little anxious and am worried sick that something is going to happen – and thus my mini-meltdown.

I guess I’m just not coping with him being away.  I really miss him.  And its hard to not have him come home when I’ve been by myself all day, and now I have to spend the evening alone – at least during semester I have the company of my ‘charming’ classmates during the day.

So I guess that is all I have to say – all this fuss over nothing???  I still can’t sleep, at least this wasted 5 mins or so.

Night

That is how I’m feeling right now, I want to scream and cry, but I can’t do either.

My stress levels are through the roof because of uni, and to add to it, I’m feeling like I have noone supporting me at the moment.

Hubby’s parents (and by that I meant MIL) are stressing me out BIG TIME! I have my graduation in about 3 weeks, and I have been asking them both to make sure they have the day at least tentatively booked off for my graduation. FIL has been great and really supportive and quite excited in a way. But MIL seems to be making excuses. Each time I’ve mentioned it she’s either changed the subject or whinged about how she’d be missing a whole days pay (which she reckons is $800, but I know she doesn’t earn that much). For once, hubby seems to have even noticed, although, still got a little iffy about it.

To add to that, MIL has now decided that she probably has cancer now instead. Now, I’m sure there will be those who think I am a heartless bitch with what I say next, but you only have to read my other posts to see what I mean….
She’s full of shit! She is apparently getting tests (like to see the proof) and seeing specialists (again, the proof?) – if she is, the doc hasn’t sent her out of choice, hrh MIL has requested, no, demanded this herself. I am sure that this is a ploy to get all the attention. She will do anything to be the centre of attention.

Well I’m not falling for it, I can see right through it. I can guarantee that she will make a big announcement about it on my graduation day, cos the day can’t be about me (go figure), no it has to be about Judy. She did it on our wedding day – who wears black to a wedding (apart from the groom?) except a bitchy MIL to be who wants to be centre of attention (heaven forbid the bride and groom are!!!!!) and “didn’t hear” when we said not to enter the reception room until allowed in (stirred alot of trouble did that one), and sat at the head table through the reception with a gob on her (I have photos somewhere). She hates not being the be all and end all of everything – so why not fake a cancer scare – people fake pregnancies for attention all the time, why not one up them.

I am just on the verge of looking her in the eye and telling her to fuck off back to Zim or SA and go tell someone who gives a flying fuck. I swear I will if she does anything to make my graduation about her.

Ok, rant over. Time for bed. I feel better now.

SCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

So as it is Christmas, I’ve been getting to spend lots and lots of “quality” time with my Mother in Law (yay…).  As you can imagine, I am overjoyed by this.

I have been kind and helped with xmas shopping, food stuff and even the housework, and while I’ve been thanked, it has been tinged with a degree of shock and surprise that I am being so kind and helpful.  Does she think I’m usually a haneous bitch???  Must do.

I have tried discussing this with my husband, who a) doesn’t see it and b) is, of course, quick to jump to her defense.

The only problem I have with my dear hubby is that I cannot discuss anything ‘his-mother’ related as it feels like he doesn’t want to hear anything that isn’t a glowing ‘review’ of his mother.  I’m sorry, but she isn’t perfect, noone is.  The problem with this, is that I keep little things that irritate me to myself, until she pushes me so far, that i snap, and then I sound like I’m having a good bitch and moan about her, instead of just trying to vent.

The latest that I’ve seemingly pissed him off about is my suspicions that his mother is not really depressed, but is in fact putting on an act to garner more attention.  Of course, he doesn’t believe this.  How do I found my suspicions?   If you’ve read any of my other posts, you will know that I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on anti-depressants (Citalopram & Lorazepam (which she also takes)).  I suspect she is not really depressed because she isn’t displaying ANY symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Also, quite conveniently, when I started getting really sick, she all of a sudden got sick too.   Hmmm?

This is a pattern I have noticed emerging over the time I have known my MiL.  When ever someone else is sick, not long after she is also sick.  For example, I get diagnosed with IBS, and all of a sudden, she also has IBS (yet it was never previously mentioned, and considering she normally likes to preach about all sorts of diseases, you would have thought it would come up??).  FiL gets sick with something, guess who has it the next week?  Not sleeping? Neither is MiL.  Got a migrane?  Oh, what do you know, so does MiL!

I just feel sad, there’s no other way around it.  I feel like my friends have abandoned me and that I haven’t anyone but R and my mum to rely on.
I’ve tried making new friends and keeping in touch with my existing, but noone is interested.  I don’t know what is so wrong with me that noone wants to be my friend.
I feel pathetic and unloved, and so very very sad.  I am trying not to cry and trying to make out to R that everything is ok.  I don’t think he believes me.

I went to work this morning but felt so sick I’ve come home. My stomach is in knots and I feel really really ill. I’m not sure if its the IBS being a pain or if its anxiety, or a combination of the two.

I’m still not feeling great today. I feel slightly better after going for a walk on the beach last night, but I know I’m starting to slip back. I don’t know if R noticed, but I went all weird last night. I got really confused and then childish. Its a bad sign…

To an extent I’ve had a better day, but not much better. I am exhausted, dizzy and struggling to make it through the day without breaking down.

I feel like I’m on the verge of collapse, and I don’t know what to do

I am trying hard not to cry and to keep how I feel hidden so R doesn’t worry, but I think he knows.  I’ve barely spoken all day, and I’m sure he noticed I didn’t come to bed until about 5am.

Even though I have R at my side and with me alot of the time, I feel completely alone. Noone understands how I’m feeling or seems to care.  I try to talk to my “friends”, but they are so wrapped up in their own lives to listen or care.  I don’t even think they would notice if I vanished, even for a little while.

I have no friends – all I have is R.  And while I love him with all my heart, I still need other people around.  It’s not fair that its always on him, he didn’t sign up for this, its just been dumped on him.

Time: 3.30am

Yes I am back to posting at ungodly hours.  I can’t sleep again even though I’m exhausted and feel dead on my feet.

I think I’m getting sick again.  I can’t sleep, I want to cry all the time and I feel like I’m facing everything on my own.  I feel like noone cares about me and that I wouldn’t be missed if I wasn’t here.

All I feel is stressed all the time.  I hate the drive into work everyday, Browns Bay to Penrose is ridiculous.  I leave at 6.30am to start work at 8am.

I am tired of being made to feel guilty because I need to stay home, because I am too sick to drive.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone or tell them how I feel.  I don’t feel like my friends care and I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell them how I feel.  Not that I can, because I email/text/call, and get no answer.  Claude has an excuse, she’s on the other side of the world, but what about everyone else?  What is so wrong with me that you don’t want to see me and ignore me???

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t want to get sick, because I’m scared I won’t make it through the otherside this time.

So it has been a while since I made a post.  I kinda forgot about this, but have decided now to start posting again.

The updates since last time are:

• I quit my job.  Probably was one of the best things I could have done.  By staying there I was just getting sicker and sicker, and no amount of money is worth that.
• I didn’t have a job for over a month which was extremely stressful and led to me getting really sick
• I got a new job in Contracts Admin which I am a bit happier with
• I got married